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Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.