I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
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Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!