Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
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So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”