It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
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Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go