[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
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Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
My five year plan is a meteorite
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
MARIE KONDO: does this empty box spark joy?
ME: yes
MK: and this old iPhone 4 box?
ME: yes
MK: and allll of these Amazon boxes? do they spark joy too?
ME: yes
MK: and this other one over here with all of these smaller boxes inside it?
ME: yes
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie