<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
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I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
You had me at “define legal”.
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.