Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
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me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.