WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
You Might Also Like
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
Inside you there are two wolves
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.