“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
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Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.