The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
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Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
lmaaaaaooooooooo
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta