Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
You Might Also Like
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
A bold strategy