the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
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It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
Sharon I have some bad news
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv