BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
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If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
Why do meteors always land in craters?
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.