You Might Also Like
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Social Media and Real life
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?