Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
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“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
i want to work in this restaurant
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.