A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
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*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
*frowns in Scottish*
This bar smells like my childhood.
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.