Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
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People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
no cat here
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.