Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
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MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
The news
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.