I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
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BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
this is me
You had me at “define legal”.
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.