I need this for my side hustle.
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My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century