the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
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I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
The answer is funnier than the question
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?