[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
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went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
“Sheer Arrogance”