[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
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Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
never ask a starfish for directions
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
what day is it?
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.