Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
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Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.