My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
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Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.