things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
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Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.