If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
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All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.