No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
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My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
There are no pants in heaven.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
channeling her this year
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.