financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
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[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.