Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
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People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.