“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
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Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
“Huge”.
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.