My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
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HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
*offers Batman cough drops*
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
True.
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.