People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
You Might Also Like
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
m’lady
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts