[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
You Might Also Like
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
My dating profile:
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph