Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
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Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
It be like that sometimes 😆
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.