A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
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Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
me hooking up with my ex
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations