Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
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Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…