ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
You Might Also Like
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is,
having a look around the room and saying ‘Haven’t decided yet’ is typically a good response.
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*