My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
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*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
Who.
Did.
This?
A leaf blower, but for people.
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
Catercrombie & Fish
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight