Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
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Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.