[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
You Might Also Like
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
Cake!!
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*