My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
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Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
Ooops wrong house😂😜
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot