*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
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date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
Muppet Screams
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”