[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
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Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
I would like even faster food.
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola