[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
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I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
termite twitter scares me
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot