My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
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God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
moms in horror movies
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
i love modern commerce
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.