Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
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Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
Best mom ever 😂
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.