[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
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Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh