GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
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Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
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Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
Tremendous stuff
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!