Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
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KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
Zack Greinke stories are the best
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.